Monday, April 23, 2012

When The Fat Lady Sings

So I'm a bit late in updating on the Misadventure of the Drama Queen. There's a reason for that, too. It's just not a good one. I'm blaming all those Nosey Nellies who requested photograhic evidence. You know who you are...  It's not all that easy to make a spectacle of oneself while juggling a shiny red Kodak, you know. I had to trust others to share photos with me. Unfortunately, there was a bit of a problem.

Some fat lady kept showing up in all the pictures.
What's worse? She was wearing an exact replica of my historical costume.
How rude.

Of course, according to Miss Kathy at The Writer's Reverie, I wasn't wearing historical costume. No... what I was wearing,  according to the experts, is period attire

I stand corrected and bear witness to the truth of it.  I was, indeed, wearing a tire.  

Sighing...

Since I didn't have one of those whale bone corset thingies, I headed out to find something to camouflage the aforementioned road wear.

And behold...


A miracle

So I looked over my left shoulder...
And then I looked over my right shoulder...
And then I sort of skulked into the dressing room to try it on...

And do you know what happened?
Not a thing.

Apparently, I not only suffer from growing girth syndrome, I suffer from a lack of belief as well.  


He could perform no miracle that day... 

I personally think they should be charged with false advertising and renamed Pants on Fire. For one thing,  it took way more than 10 seconds to get all that extra firm control fastened around my Michelin.  For another, it didn't work any better than a trusty pair of control top pantyhose. I was looking for something to flatten the tire. There's nothing whatsoever miraculous about transforming it into a steel belted radial one.

And then there was the whole breathing thing. It's kind of hard to speak without it, and this was not historical mime.

Therefore, I opted out of the $44.00 miracle and decided to try the control tops instead.  I was looking for something like this:


google image

I thought it might suck in the area where my cheekbones used to be and reinvent the jaw line.   Unfortunately, no one even pretends to have created control tops like that. We clearly need more math and science in the public schools...

In the end, I just appeared in all my puffed out, faded glory.  It wasn't supposed to be about me anyway. It was about my hometown and the tour they were giving some visiting folks from across the state of Georgia.  So I sucked it up as best I could and did  my part.

 I actually can't remember a thing about it since I tend to suffer from Post Dramatic Stress Amnesia. They say that it went well. In my head, I looked like this:




But in reality...


I'm not exactly sure what dramatic moment is being captured there with the hand on the bosom and the pitiful face... 

So anyway, that's my tale for today, and as usual I tried to share it with some levity. If you've read here long, you probably know that laughter is my default mechanism.

But in truth, it's no laughing matter. In truth, I was horrified at the stranger in the photo. I mean, the tire I knew about, but who is the old woman with the fat face?  I almost wrote my Sunday post about it, in fact.    

Instead, I got off my blogger butt and tried out some new exercise equipment. It didn't cost me a dime either, but that will have to be a post for another day.


47 comments:

Kelley said...

Haha! You remind me of Erma today!

And YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, too!

elizabeth said...

Oh the joys of mid-life! I've been packing around a ten pound tire that didn't used to be there and am determined to get rid of it by June!
Personally, I think you should blame your whole problem on the period costume and just say it makes you look heavier than you really are.

Janette@Janette's Sage said...

I am laughing with your wonderful writing and then nodding with the fact I don't know who I am either anymore. My daughter posted a picture of me on face book and I removed the tag with tears...I didn't want anyone to see my fat back....that was all she was showing, but when I am 50 pound over weight that was enough...so off to the gym I went again this morning...sweating and reminding God how much I hate it...and the scales haven't moved in weeks.

I think you are beautiful...and you possess the joy of life and you write it for us all to remember what is really important...and you tie it all up with laughter!!!

I wish I had the nerve to do what you did...I am sure it was fun and everyone was delighted

Debbie said...

Good morning! Well first of all, how I enjoy your sense of humor! Soo funny, and can I ever relate. I will never forget trying to squeeze my HUGE body into one of those things before putting on the dress I had ordered for my daughters wedding, and I KID YOU NOT I got stuck in the stupid thing one leg in etc., and had to call my daughter into the dressing room to get me out of it....sigh. We laughed ourselves sick, but not my finest hour,lol. And then second of all, I thought you looked WONDERFUl Honest I did. How I would have loved to hear it. Yes, the never ending dilemma's of middle age though huh? Enjoyed all of this! Hope you have a good day! HUGS

Ann said...

We are our own worst enemies when it comes to our appearance. You look terrific, Debbie! The dress turned out well, too! Wish I were there.

Cheers!

Linda W said...

You looked great and I didn't see a Michelin or a Firestone! Silly girl! How I'd loved to have been there and heard you. I know it was wonderful and enjoyed by all!

Barbara F. said...

Debbie, I love your writing and have told you that before. If I were a literary agent, you would be signing a contract! I also think you may be a bit too hard on yourself. I feel the same way about my face and figure. When I apply make-up (a lot less than the good old days!) I feel like my face has fallen and it can't get up!! Ugh. Hope you pop by for a visit and a catch-up :) xo

Francie...The Scented Cottage Studio said...

oh yea I can relate. I remember the first time I went into a dressing room and saw some fat old lady in the mirror...I quickly turned around and she disappeared...until I looked back in the mirror. Sigh. Recently had some photos taken and lets just say I am soooooo depressed. I don't FEEL fat and old but there it is staring me in the face. That said we ARE our own worst critics and I think YOU look great. (())

CAL said...

You managed to make a very plain dress look gosh darn good! By the way, you have great arms. I swear my arms look a candle melted them with all that skin hanging down.

I'm sure most of us ladies have had the squeeze it till it screams experience with lycra. I can remember welts on my torso from spandex. Now they give it really cool names like 'Spanks' or 'Kimora' as a way of masking the real name of 'GIRDLE' - who are they foolin? Not us Ladies over the age of 40.

Shanee @ LivingLifeSouthernStyle said...

Why oh why can we not embrace who we are and just live wide open? If only I could and not play the "who is the old, fat chick in the photo" game with myself! You looked nice and I am sure you did an excellent job. "He performed no miracle" had me rolling on the floor! Thanks for sharing your pain in such a humorous way that you made my day! You gotta write a book girl :)

Denise at Forest Manor said...

Hi Debbie,

Thanks so much for sharing this post! Your writing is laugh-out-loud funny, as usual, but I understand what you mean when you say the situation really isn't funny. As you can see by the other comments, so many of us are in this same boat. It's like the old saying, "If you don't laugh about it, you'll cry."

I genuinely HATE to go clothes shopping these days. It just depresses me. I bear very little resemblance to the person I was 15 years ago.

I told my husband this morning that I'm swearing off sugar. Seriously. I also told him that if there's anything that will make us want to eat healthy food it's not being able to use your kitchen for a month and having to eat out for dinner and eat junk for your other two meals. To be fair, I can, and do, still eat cereal and yogurt for breakfast, but lunch has been a bit of a problem. I think I'm just bored with lunch food in general. Anyway, I'm collecting recipes that look healthy and tasty, if I can just stand it for a few more weeks.

And on that topic, thank you so very much for the sweet comments on the kitchen renovation post. I'm glad you like it so far. I will keep my fingers crossed for you to be able to do the counter tops that you really want very soon. I know how hard it is to wait for years on something like that.

I think it's wonderful that you played a part in the historical re-enactment. You contribute so much in your community -- be proud. Have a great week, Debbie!

Denise

Susan (My Place to Yours) said...

How I would love to have seen your presentation! I have no doubt that the passion and perfection you put into everything you do surely shined through beautifully. Don't be so hard on yourself -- but DO take care of yourself better. (Speaking to my own self here, too...) We all want you around for a long time!

Tracy said...

well, my friend, no need for a miraclesuit because you ARE a miracle, so I hope you consider yourself as such!
I do have to laugh at those old movies and the shape of the women. I love the movie White Christmas with Bing Crosby and the waste on that blonde girl is OH MY GOSH...but not real in our world.
Take good care of yourself...

Gaby said...

I think you look adorable. I was introduced to a 15 year-old boy this week who said: "Nice to meet you, ma'am" in his most polite manner. I wanted to punch him and tell him I'm not even old enough to be his momma (well, almost. I would have been a very young momma). Sigh. So time goes.

Sue said...

Debbie, I laughed alllllll the wayyyyyy through this, as I am relating so right now, lost 40 lbs. last year took a whole year, and have gained 30 of it back in three months. And I just had to come by after I have just eaten two slices of bread with some of that strawberry jam I made, not to mention all the guilt i am carrying. lol You look so adorable, and oh how I would love to of been there to listen to your presentation. I know you did great.
Thanks for always brightening my day.
Hugs,
Sue

Gina said...

LOL!!!! You are cracking me up here!

I don't think you look bad at all. As a matter of fact, I fail to see the so-called "tire." Oh wait, I see it now...on my OWN body...yes...somehow you've transferred it to me and I'm the one wearing it now! LOL

Miss Char said...

Ok...I nearly wet my pants over this one (something else you can look forward to) over this post. I remember the first time I saw that pug like stranger in the mirror, I thought to myself ... "I don't know who you are but I'll brush your teeth anyway". Bless your heart Debbie you sure have lots of company with this one.

Amy Kinser said...

Who I see is a warrior. Yes, I know, we usually say that men are warriors, but you are a warrior. You are a prayer warrior! Who I see is a lady who loves the Lord and who sacrificed her time over the last year to pray for a "stranger". I see a lady who set two different pretty tables for her daughters when they came home for a visit a couple of weeks ago. I see a lady who can write like nobody's business. I see a lady who get's prettied up for her husband after he's been out of town all week. I see a teacher...one who has taught me a whole lot. Thank you for being the beauty that you are.

Sooner Laura said...

Thanks for the giggle. I needed it SO badly on this Monday. I'm not sure why the female brain works like it does. Today my oldest is 31 years old and what am I thinking? I'm thinking, 31 years ago today I was 9 months pregnant AND WEIGHED 30 POUNDS LESS THAN I DO TODAY. I've noticed an old woman sneaking into all my picutres lately too.

Happier Than a Pig in Mud said...

We're the same age so I'm chuckling with you... Said to my cousin "I don't mind the boobs and the butt falling, but why the face???". As mentioned above, I think we're the hardest on ourselves, but total bummer about the Miraclesuit:@)

Crickit said...

I think you look great! It looks like you really enjoyed yourself. And I am not sure who can fit into those spandex miracle things....probably some young thing that doesn't really need a miracle! Lol! :)

Sonja said...

Honest to pete... you make me laugh out loud! What you say is what so many feel, but you bring such humor to the truth of it all... and I LOVE to laugh, which I have done all through this blog! Keep em coming Debbie...

I've missed you and am so glad to catch up on your blog and have another good laugh out loud!

xo

FrouFrouBritches said...

Okay, so I am one of the Nosy Nellies who wanted the pictures, but I think you look marvelous! The Farm Sister did an excellent job on your "period attire"! Now, if only we had videotape of your performance. I'm sure we would all be even more impressed.

As far as those so called miracle suit thingees, I have yet to find one that doesn't make me sweat. I think I'd rather let my spare tire show a little than have to worry about having a sweaty gross midsection, but that's just me. I think you looked FANTASTIC. AND, after a day with a bunch of rowdy 5th graders, your description of the miracle suit sure did make me giggle.

Debbiedoo's said...

You look adorable!~ We of course are our worse critics. I tried those spanx once and I had to leave the party to go and take them off...they were horrible and sucked me in so much I thought I needed to get my gallbladder removed..that is what it felt like anyhow.

Denise said...

I KNOW what you were saying..."My dear husband, God rest his soul." and you were FABULOUS! You said you can't remember what you said but just so everyone else knows, they were shouting her accolades in the next town on the tour. Seriously.

I know you've lamented about not recognizing the person in the mirror (who really does at our age) but I adore that person through and through. Great post.

Chatty Crone said...

Okay I can take a joke - but not when poked at my friend. You are beautiful - I am not sure which one is you - but they are all pretty!!!!!!!!!! Now exercise to get healthy that is great - but never criticize yourself - lol. And those suits are so hot and tight - yuck! sandie

The Polka Dot Closet said...

STOP IT! You are gorgeous!!! You have been reading to many Glamor magazine because you my friend, are smaller than the average women!! I do understand how you feel, because I hate pictures of myself! I put them on my blog from time to time because they say "People want to see who they are reading"...OK, OK.

CArol

Mevely317 said...

Dang, girl ... if I looked as good as you, I'd be tickled pink! Thanks for humoring this Nosey Nellie :)

PS - I snuck a look-see at your blog on my phone this morning, but had to quick get off, on account I was starting to snort! :)

Maryann said...

Thanks for giving me a good laugh...this was too funny.
I can't even imagine prying myself into a spandex miracle suit...that has go to be a workout in itself. I think you looked great

Sherry said...

Hi Debbie,

I think you look adorable too. I haven't seen your pic except for the unibomber one. I still laugh about that. I have been envisioning my own unibomber type photo because I so hate to put my pic on my blog.
Sherry

Christine said...

Nosey Nellie, yes.
Disappointed, heck no!
You took the prize for accomplishment and tenacity.
I admire your steadfastness.

D said...

Well, I honestly think you look very nice in your blue attire.
You are too hard on yourself. However, your post did make me smile all the way through it.
I agree with you about those control things. Doesn't work for me either.
D
P.S. Thanks for the sweet,funny comment on my blog.

renee @ Singing With Birds said...

Beautiful, talented, and hilarious! You get my vote for best well-rounded blogger. Thanks for posting for all of us to see. I'm really proud of you and to heck with miracles and spandex...it's all over-rated. You are loved just the way you are!

Denise said...

You are a beautiful daughter of the King, a princess.

xinex said...

Oh you are SOOOOO funny, Debbie! LOL! And you don't look bad at all, in fact you look lovely in your attire...Christine

Dayle @ A Collection of This and That said...

I laughed myself plumb silly over this one. I can soooo relate, girl. I bought one of those miracle suits some years ago that said "look 10 pounds lighter in 10 seconds." It took me a good 20 minutes to get the thing on and another 20 to get it off. You describe the effect perfectly. HA!

As for your photo, I think you look simply divine in that "historic attire." And that's my final answer.

Lynn Richards said...

Wait. Did you have FUN??? Did you give yourself credit for what you accomplished??
I for one, am glad you don't look like the picture of Debbie Reynolds. (have you seen her lately?) That would be too scary.
Oh, the dreaded 50's and all of our changes. But when we look at one another, we see beauty. We need to do so with ourselves....then get on the exercise machine!
xoxo
lynn

Robin said...

I used to be addicted to "shapewear" but the combination of hot flashes and moving to Florida left me with no choice. Lately I've been blaming my extra middle weight on genetics. It can't possibly be my love of food or my aversion to sit ups or crunches, right? You look great and in the outfit there's not issue with your lower half. Enjoy!

Robin
Robin Flies South

Nezzy said...

Oh my girlfriend, ya got me rollin' here!!! I think your bein' waaaay too hard on yourself and you look marvelous. It's that period suit to blame. Heck, it's gathered and baggie to boot!

What fun this was...I can't wait to see what ya do with the exercise equipment! Heeehehehehehe!!!

Have a blessed a beautiful day sweetie!!! :o)

laurie @ bargain hunting said...

Oh Debbie, how I would love to have words flow from my pen (or my laptop) the way they do from yours! I was sitting here with a huge, silly grin on my face as I read this (and often laughing out loud). I have trouble just getting pantyhose on, so I won't even try one of those "slenderizing" things. Okay, I got to your photo, and I was expecting a large woman. You are not! You look beautiful. I know what I see in the mirror is not what other people see, and I can tell that you have that same problem. I recall thinking I was so fat after my first child was born. I look back at pictures taken then, and wish I was that "fat" now! I was NOT even overweight. That's how I handle looking in the mirror now. I just try to think that some day I'll look back at a picture of myself and think I was skinny! Ooops! I've written a book. You inspire me that way. laurie

bj said...

You are just about the cutest thing ever. hahhhaaa...your personality is priceless.
You are adorable.

Sharon said...

Thank you from this Nellie.

Debbie, I think you look adorable -

However, no one tells a good story better than you - and of course, you had me cackling. I have also enjoyed dressing room gymnastics - it isn't a pretty picture. Plus, I'm always worried that the security cameras are secretly taking pictures of me just so the staff can laugh at me later.

Evidently it isn't enough that NOTHING fits anymore - we have to see it in 3 mirrors...really??

Also, for the record, the pantyhose photo made me hyperventilate. I tend to be claustrophobic, so...

However, when all is said and done, I have a feeling that you were terrific, and that everyone had a grand old time. Did you remember your lines?

Thank you for your unique (comedic) view on life. I enjoy you so much...just sayin'

xo

Carol said...

Debbie.
I am so glad to see a picture of you. You are beautiful.
I can relate...just saw some pictures today from Mister's annual convention. I was told that I looked gorgeous....uh. no. not really. I looked 50 something. Which I am.

Miss Stella said...

Okay - so you can't know how "me" this is. I have been trying on a couple of my "period attire" pieces in preparation for our Founder's Day coming up next month and OUCH! Not quite buttoning. Ya! I can't afford to NOT fit into my period attire!! Yea - don't I often ask the same question - who IS that person in the mirror!

For the record - we are our own worst critic. I think you look delightful in your dress - the blue does a blond good! But, of course, this is largely the first photo I've seen of you - except for that nifty Jib Jab you put up at Christmas - but that was barely your face!

We all need to be comfortable in our own skin. I love the life lesson here - as in your most recent post - if our Michelin is only there to keep us in remembrance of the measuring scale then, I'd say it's serving a useful purpose - for a season.

I'm doing a cleanse this weekend.

Joy!
Kathy

Canadagirl said...

Ohhh I loved this post and could soooo relate. I think you look simply lovely my friend. Do share about your exercise adventure. I am starting to look forward to the 40 day health experience and I don't feel so nervous about it this time because I know what to expect. Did you ever look into the Maker's Diet or T-tapp? I swear by them. Oopps I am not suppose to do that. [o; It is good to be back and I just pray the Lord gets the blogging juices to flow. I have been blessed with being away for a bit and I do MISS you all. Good to be back. (((((((HUGS))))))))

Blessings and ((HUGS))
-Mary

Kathleen said...

You are so funny, Debbie, and real!

Tanna at The Brick Street Bungalow said...

Dear, dear Debbie, I can sooooo relate to this post... it was a photo that set me on a path to shed 20 pounds last summer. Somehow, a photo finally ended my denial. I have to say I felt sooooo much better after I finally bit the bullet and got it done. I think that is true of your more recent post, too. You go girl! I do love your thinkin' and your writin'! blessings and hugs ~ tanna

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