Monday, June 20, 2011

So put on your menopanties and deal with it...

I realize that I’ve been hit and miss in blogland lately. There are several good reasons for that, but probably the main one is that somewhere between turning 49 and turning  49 ½,  I’ve become one big ball of raging hormone.

It’s true.

Between outside temperatures of 100 degrees and my flaming hormones, I have a personal heat index of 212.  I know this because I’m prone to boil over and spew water at any random minute.

If I could put two cohesive thoughts together, I would try to pound them out. Of course that would put my keyboard in the same sorry shape as the rest of my computer.

I feel sorry for my daughters.

I’d probably feel sorry for Sir Lotsa Hair  too if he weren’t so infuriating.  Just for the record, reaching for an imaginary Men-o-Manual and flipping through imaginary pages is not comic relief.  His best bet is probably a clean getaway.

He uses that convenient little thing called business travel.
I use that convenient little thing called a cell phone.

Wok wok wok wok wokkkkkkkk……..

I ranted for 15 minutes last week before I realized that he had been in a dead zone the entire time.

It made me irrationally weepy.

It doesn’t help that all my friends are around the same age and going through the same thing. In the case of mischievous hormones, misery does not love company. Good grief, it’s like being in the seventh grade all over again. We need a few 59 year old menograduates in our circle to ease us over the hill. Too bad they all alienated us ten years ago.

Just sayin’….

Now folks, I think I could handle this out-of-body irrational weepy/ranty adventure if this pausing thing weren’t playing such havoc with my personal appearance as well.

Mainly, it’s a hair thing.  For one thing, it’s flat and limp. I live in the south and came of age in the 80s so I like a little poof on the roof.  Hormone hair does not poof. It just hangs like an unattractive piece of yellow embroidery thread.

My stylist once told me to keep wet hair in a towel for a spell before taking it down. It’ll confuse the roots, she says, and create the desired roof poof.   For years, this little trick has worked like a charm. Of course, that was before the aforementioned roof became so uncontrollably hot.

These days, it just creates a steam room and roots which are not only confused but irritated to boot. I wouldn’t recommend it. Besides, it’s not working anymore anyway. That’s because hormone hairs are not only thinner and finer, they are fewer.

It’s true. I read it on the internet.

That’s not to say that they are falling out. Man hair falls out. From what I can gather, hormone hair just retires to sunnier climes on the Chin Peninsula.  It all starts innocently enough with an early retiree or two. The next thing you know, Snowbirds are nesting all over your face.

OK, I'm being a little dramatic. They're not all over the face…

They certainly aren’t nesting in the eyebrow zone. Instead, there are clear signs of mutiny on the golden arches. Since I’m blond, I never had an impressive set of eyebrows to begin with, but I always had enough. Nowadays, all I see is sparse undergrowth covered by a few gray comb- overs.

Of course, you might not notice that..

I probably wouldn’t  notice it all either were it not for my illuminated 10X magnifying mirror. That’s where the irrational part comes in. It was pretty irrational to buy the thing, but since the eyesight was the first thing to go, it seemed a good idea at the time.

Deep breath.

Oh, there’s more, but I just checked the word count and have grossly exceeded my limit. I’ll have to talk about my leg hair and dry skin another day.  At least now you know how the husband feels. Wok wokwokwok wokkkkkkk…

I hope someone can relate.
If not, it’s going to make me irrationally weepy.


Red Couch Recipes said...

Thank you for such a funny post that I can relate to, especially the limp hair. My advice would me to smah the 10X mirror -- too much magnification can be a bad thing...."poof on the roof" is so funny;). Joni

Sonja said...

Talk about a shoulder shaking laugh!!! You are hilarious in your descriptions... all I can tell you for comfort is... when it's over, it is SO over! All the strange meno symptoms will go away, and then you'll simply be old! :)


Crickit said...

LOL!! This post is hilarious! I do know some of what you are going through. You and I are the same age. Fortunately for me a lot of my friends are 5 yrs older than me so we aren't quite going through the whole thing together. They have had a head start and are coaching me through! :) Isn't facial hair just wonderful? I am thankful though for my illuminated 15X mirror, if I didn't have it those fun strands on my chin would be hidden because I couldn't see them at all! Let's put it this way, I take my tweezers with me everywhere I go.

Thanks for the fun morning giggles!

Christine said...

This post is my Monday Morning comic relief!!
Poof on the Roof, I'm laughing so much I'm crying!

By the way I'm 59 and doing fine.

Happier Than a Pig in Mud said...

I feel ya Sista! This is one thing I'm very much looking forward to getting to the other side of! No hot flashes yet, but I can relate to the rest. I think I beat you to 50 by a month, I'll hold the door open for you:@)

Barbara F. said...

Debbie this was hilarious! I can sympathize 1000%, and I have 6 years on you, still going through weirdness, including hot flashes once in a while. The limp hair is really the most upsetting to me. I went from a mane to feathers, so to speak! ugh :( xo,

Sue said...

As your older and wiser blog friend Debbie, I'll tell you it does get better in some areas. But.....boy did you hit the nail on the head in a few areas. I would have laughed if I wasn't crying ~ because it's just so true.

I knew about the hot flashes, mood swings, and grey hair, but I didn't know about losing your hair ~ and I did ~ my poor hairstylists have been listening to me complain about it for 10 years. And the electrolysist is my best friend, because my 10x mirror has dark chin hairs in it!!

Oh the joys ~ but in my darkest hours, I remember, it beats the alternative!!

{and I am with you on the heat and drought, we have the same problem here}

Dayle said...

Oh my word, Debbie ... you had me rolling on this one. At least your sense of humor is still intact.

Girlfriend, I can relate. I became post-menopausal at the ripe age of 30 when I had a hysterectomy (hope that's not TMI), but I didn't get the full-fledged symptoms until my 40's. Hang in there and don't try to get through it without HRT (hormone replacement therapy) meds.

On a more serious note, some of your symptoms also sound like you may have a thyroid deficiency. (The hair issues and eybrow issues, particularly.) I discovered mine just a few years ago (runs in my family), and the thyroid meds make all the difference. Thyroid disease is the most undiagnosed disease around, 80% are women. If you haven't had a full work-up of your thyroid lately, I would highly recommend it. For more info about thyroid disease, please go to this link on my blog. There's a whole bunch of info there.

Kim @ Stuff could... said...

This is funny but sadly it is so descriptive of ME! I understand but I did not know this time of life, was this bad. Why didn't Mom tell me? It is tough for me to make sense with blogging....

Dayle said...

P.S. I do know how to spell "eyebrow." (hehe)

The Polka Dot Closet said...

Oh you are going to hate day I was pre menopausal and one day I was symptons! You made me laugh! The heat has set in here in Florida and I have lost the poof in my roof also. Debbie, maybe it's just the heat! OK maybe it's not! LOL hang in there!


no spring chicken said...

So now my daughter thinks, no is sure, that I am a loon! I am no longer allowed to hold my coffee while reading your blog!! From the other room she says, "It's not that funny"... Oh yes, it is!!!

Write a book, write a book, write. a. book. They'll be crawling over themselves to get it!!!!
Everyone needs a great laugh.

Blessings, Debbie

Denise said...

Wow! This could not be funnier or more true. The hair running all over your face...seriously. The flat hair, gray stray eyebrows and moodiness...BINGO! I feel like I have to run away from the world to be safe but in truth it's very lonely, which compounds the problem. (Waaaayyy to much think time). I just don't know how I feel about HRT. I would really like to be through this lovely woman stage in my life but will probably wallow in it like I did with puberty. So glad to see your ever witty sense of humor still in tact. It may help us both get through!!

Thoughtfully Blended Hearts said...

This would be simply hilarious if it wasn't so doggone true...every single word of it!!! Just wait till you get to that "59 ish" gets worse...all of a sudden all of your complaints are joined by "gobs of weight gain", shifting love handles and a abiding love for sitting and napping!!! So NOT me but I guess it is better than the alternative!!!
Have a beautiful week...regardless of hormones or lack thereof!!!

Angel said...

Wowee Debbie, you hit a nerve on this one! I bet if you wrote a book called "The Hormonal Housewife" it would sell like HOTcakes. You are describing every woman's mid-life pain and secret struggles and making us laugh about it. And that truly is the best medicine for all that ails us. Keep it up!

elizabeth said...

So the missing eyebrows...I thought that part was just me. Kind of finding sick comfort in the fact that yours are AWOL as well. I've seriously considered having mine permanently tatooed on, but have seen enough horrible eyebrow tatoos, and am afraid of pain enough, that I know I never will. In the meanwhile I think someone should invent a permanent marker eyebrow pencil, so you only have to draw the eyebrows on like once a month.
The night sweats...I'm hot, now I'm cold, have come and gone, thank God.
Achy joints...who knew that was a part of "the Pause" as well?
Oh sister, I feel your pain.

Miss Char said...

Debbie, wish we lived close enough that I could "talk you off the wall" so to speak. I have the tee shirt from what you're experiencing and I can tell you one of the things that got me though that time of my life was CHOCOLATE. Even if chocolate isn't the cure all it does help pass the time.

Amy Kinser said...

42 and on my way!!!

Kathryn Ross said...

Debbie - so true! I've met gals like you so on the edge and over. I had a relatively easy transition and early, too - age 49. Enjoying the other side of 50 - however, noticing the eyebrow thing and worse - moustache and beard thing. Can't seem to have enough hair remover on hand each week. Ya! Learned lots of tricks to create roof poof since I also struggle with sparse on top issues. So good to be reminded we are not alone. Keep on yakking and keep us laughing!
Miss Kathy

Janette@Janette's Sage said...

Laughing tooooooooo hard!!!!! Oh course you know I have addressed this subject also...just not as good as yours! Now I am going to go back and check my first menopause probably was at the age you are!!

Well welcome to the party! I got up with hot flashes...and yes it is over 100 here...put on my natural progesterone cream and turned down the AC. I do have a few friends older and they tell me this too will just convince my family of eight!!!

Blessings talented one...God allows you to laugh and bring laughter to the rest of us! Such a gift. If you find a good trick for all the chin hairs then please share! LOL

Donna@Conghaile Cottage said...

This is SO FUNNY! I'm going to be 57 AND still a victim. ALTHOUGH I didn't start till in my 50s AND my household being "ALL MEN"(3 grown sons) "DON'T want to hear it"! My Mom says she never went through it ""BUT"" now I know that when she retired to Florida at 50 and walked around with tissue stuffed in her eyeglasses and the lenses literally steamed up, "It wasn't the Florida Heat"! Everyone is different, I chose to go through without drugs because my family was ALWAYS cancer free. The few that used hormone drugs developed cancer. I don't know if there is a connection BUT instead I find deep meditation and deep breathing gets me through my episodes(It works)!You are always a joy to visit! Hang in there Girl, We love you and it WILL PASS!!!
Big Giant Hugs to you,

Tanna at The Brick Street Bungalow said...

Oh, girl. I feel your pain. I'm turning 55 this year and I can tell you that at 50 I thought I had lost my mind along with every other working part of myself that I had been used to having!! Does the term, "sore tailed cat" mean anything to you? I thank God for the bioidentical hormone replacement therapy I FINALLY found out about before I ended up in the caboose for manslaughter!! I would laugh here, but it really wasn't funny at all, as I recall! It cured my hot flashes... which allowed me to sleep better... which brought me down off the roof ledge. Well, you get the picture. As I said, I feel for you! blessings and a cool breeze to you, dear one! tanna

"Ima" said...

Well, I can't relate to full blown menopause, but thyroid disease coupled with the really early stages of menopause that my doctor said I was in graciously provides me with some symptoms here and there :) I agree with Dayle-from someone with thyroid disease, it never hurts to check it out. I need to get my levels checked again-my hair is falling out so fast right now, I'm surprised I'm not bald!

I'm sorry you are dealing with the symptoms, but I have to say, you sure are funny. Thanks for sharing and the smile you brought me.

FrouFrouBritches said...

Oh my gracious! You are hysterical!!! You may be hot and sweaty with limp hair and chin hair, but you've definitely still got your sense of humor! Doesn't it feel good to just spit it out and laugh about it?

If it makes you feel any better, my Hubby swears he can look at the calendar and tell which day it is according to how gripey and weepey I am and I'm only perimenopausal. We have so much to look forward to. HA!

Kathleen said...

Oh dear Debbie, all I can say is nothing lasts forever and just keep on taking the tablets or something, anything to get you through it!

Ms.Daisy said...

I've been laughing myself silly especially when I read about your chin hairs heading south. Too funny but there was nothing funny about the hot flashes I was getting every few minutes. I was 50 years and one month old when I went to my doctor and told him my hands sweated so much I couldn't hold the tennis bracelets to show to customers. We decided that I needed HRT and have been on them for twenty years. I totally agree with Dayle on that and her suggestion to get your thyroid checked out. It will make all the difference.

P.S. Thanks for the encouragement on the Garden Road saga.

Shug said...

I would say lol here, but I know exactly what you're talking about and even though it sounds funny....I't simply is miserable...I am 57 and girl, my steam iron is still set on high...I don't think I'll ever get tired of cold refreshing!
Somehow, I keep on rolling....sweat and all..Best of luck to ya!

Sharon said...

OK, OK, you well know, if this menograduate woman laughs any harder I'm going to wet my menopanties!!

Debbie, I can't believe how hysterical this is - well, yes I do, actually - it's you. I don't know where to begin! Yes, the hair in the brush is shocking at times. Oh my gosh! Chin Peninsula was my biggest laugh! Here's the great thing at my age, though - those pesky little wanderers have turned white, so I don't have to pluck them from their comfort zone quite as often - they blend in better now...

Yes, I have that 10X mirror, too. LOVE how it makes my wrinkles look like the Grand Canyon.

Don't feel sorry for your daughters - they'll be OK. After all, my SONS had to weather my hormonal hurricane, and they survived it. (I think they did - they haven't said anything - but that could just be because they learned how to walk on eggshells...hmmm.)

So, here's a word from a menograduate. Things do get better - that's the good part. The bad part? There is NO longer ANY excuse for my irrational weepiness or my incessant wokking...

Live it up while you still have a reason for being insane! :)

Chatty Crone said...

Well I think this post was a hoot! I didn't know about limp hair or putting it wet in a towel or any of this!

Now I have just about every other health ailment you can think of - but menopause - didn't even know that I was going through it - what's that?

I agree - do get a physical.

laurie @ bargain hunting said...

Oh Debbie, I've been there and done that ~ but not with as good a sense of humor as you have about it! The sad part is that it doesn't even help to say this too shall pass, because when it does, you have more facial hair, less head hair, and no bladder control! Getting rid of the monthly "visitor" is the best part of the whole process. I have adjusted to having flat hair on my head and shaving (yes shaving!) the hair on my chin. I'm not wearing diapers yet, but have to start soon if you keep making me laugh like this. Bless your heart. Hang in there, and just try to keep your sense of humor. I know it's gotten you through a lot of bad times, and it will get you through this too! laurie

Mevely317 said...

Just when I think I can't laugh any harder ... along you come! :)
Ah Debbie, I can SO relate. My own journey began when I was just 40-41; in fact, my primary care MD didn't believe me 'til blood tests were done. Thus, the decent into Hell:)
Ya, it DOES get better... I only have to stick my pillowcase in the freezer once a week!
In all seriousness, I totally agree with what Dayle says re. thyroid disease ... me, too.

Kathleen said...

Even though my dear friend , Laurie says it doesn't help to say this too will pass, it does, so hang in there! I hope you have a/c! If not you will have to go shopping a lot to stay cool!

corners of my life said...

This "someone" can relate . . .

Manuela@A Cultivated Nest said...

LOL - I've been there! But to be honest, I started taking bio-identical hormones about a year ago and I feel really good! It's done away with many of the uncomfortable and annoying symptoms.

Denise at Forest Manor said...

Oh Debbie, what would we do without you in our wonderful corner of blogland? This is so funny, but I feel your pain (and frustration) too. I had a complete hysterectomy 11 years ago, and I have been on HRT since then. But I still have to say, those pesky menopausal symptoms still come and go. My body temperature is permanently higher than everyone's around me. Our parents say we could freeze meet in our house in the summer :) I HATE the dry skin thing, and the tiredness and moodiness, but I didn't know that menopause was the culprit behind my hair changes. I have always been told that I have a healthy head full of hair, and my hairdresser still says I do; but, I feel like I shed constantly!! Drives me crazy. I feel like I need to wear a hair net when I work in the kitchen. And you're right, that nice poof just isn't there now. Same thing with the eyebrows -- I thought it was just me. It definitely looks like we're all in kind of the same boat. Now, I just need to get my husband to read this post, and all the comments as well ;)

Take care Debbie!


P.S. Thanks for your sweet comments on my Father's Day post. I keep making my Mom cry with these posts, so I'm going to have to go for something funnier :)

Garden Lady said...

This was too funny. I can so relate, the hot flashes (extra fun when its 100 degrees outside, the roller coaster emotions, chin hair, flat hair, I got it all! Great sense of humor, loved this post!

Kelli said...

What a laugh you afforded me this hot June evening! Chuckle, chuckle, guffaw!! I'm trailing not too far behind I suppose. You will survive and can't wait to see you on the other side of the big "M"!

xinex said...

You are so funny, Debbie. This should be published in Woman's magazine. I have never gone through menopausal symptoms so I am not familiar with the signs. One day, the period just stopped. Thanks for stopping by. I added a picture of the grandkids playing on the wetdeck when they were visiting last week. I don't kow why I did not think about posting that to being with..Christine

Carol said...

Since I am only a few months ahead of you, I too am a product of the '80's and accustomed to the hair pouf that has always come so unnaturally to my own hair.
The hot flashes just started for me a couple months ago, but I've been battling the facial/chin etc. hair for a long time. I think that is why our vision goes - so we can't see what we look like!
Mister does appreciate my "meticulous groundskeeping". I really hate it, but it beats the alternative!
It's always good to know there are others in the same boat.
And I looked at my legs last week and saw that they had old lady skin.....I could go on, but I won't!

Ann said...

Ah Debbie! Hang in there!
I did the HRT thing, but then tried to go off them on my own (years ago). Have you experienced the "flood" yet? Well, when out with the family one summer day about 17 years ago (two toddlers in tow), we were waiting in line at some kid car ride at a small park .... I was standing in a puddle of water ... but no one else was. I looked like someone dumped a bucket of water on my head ... felt like it too .... so back on HRT first chance I got!
Well, when the doctor finally took me OFF them for good 6 years ago, I "fluffed out." My hair thinned (used to be Farrah Faucett thick) and I developed the facial hair we are all so "fond of." ... Not. But all is not lost ... eventually the hair stops coming out ... except the facial hair ... but your eyesight gets worse so who cares about what you can't see? LOL!

Take care of yourself! We are all here for you!


Canadagirl said...

I think I am relating to this all to well at 42. I pray that things balance out soon and get as many ((HUGS)) as you can get.

Blessings and ((HUGS))

Rettabug said...

Oh my gosh, had me in hysterics! LOL What a crack up! I strongly agree with Christine...submit this post to a magazine, such as Woman's Day or Woman's Health or some such. You should get paid for your humor. Your comic relief ought be appreciated by a far larger audience.

I say "Better Living Through Chemistry" & have been on HRT for over 20+ years. They'll have to pry that pill out of my cold, dead hands!!!!

Hang in there!

Chari at Happy To Design said...

Hi Debbie...

Just read your sweet note that you left over at my place and came right over! Ohhh my gosh...what did I get myself into! Hehe!

Okay...must admit that I can relate ohhh sooo well! I'm 53 and have been going through this for four years now. I don't know...can't seem to see a light at the end of the tunnel yet! Eeeks! Darlin', if your post written with such humor...I'd cry! Well, guess that humor is the best way to handle this stuff! Can't seem to do much else. The worse part for me...the night sweats! And I'm not talkin' bout wearin' sweats to's the hot, watery stuff that overtakes me...unannounced...oh...but not for long...they always wake me! Hmmm...then it's...forget about getting back to sleep!

I keep holding on to the very wise saying..."and this too, shall pass"! Yeeehawww!

Warmest wishes,

Sharlotte said...

Oh my gosh...I'm in this club too, my doctor confirmed it! I don't have the hot flashes but the hair, moods, and weepiness is rampant. I'm trying to be positive, but it's the irrational behavior that's making me nuts!I read through all the previous post and I totally need to submit your posts or write your own book! I'd be first in line! You truly have a gift!!!Take care and keep your chin up!

gnee @ Singing With Birds said...

Hey girl,

Bless your heart. You brought back some memories and it is a challenging stage of life. Like Dayle, advised, go see your gyno soon. While living in NYC and dealing with awful heat and humidity, I needed help. HRT made all the difference and I didn't have to use it for more than about 18 months.

Light hugs from Idaho!

Lynn Richards said...

Beautiful. I'm so happy I'm not alone. Now if we just lived in the same state...
Each month I pause, there is a new experience waiting to unfold during my day. This month is the weepy month. Not like the other experiences go away, they just all start piling up, waiting for me to know what to do with them. So this is really the weepy, flushing, forgetful, stare into space month. Yep. Never had a more fun June.
And hair? Dear Lord. WHY are my eyebrows and eyelashes turning GRAY? And now I have sort of curly hair. But I have not experienced putting my hair in a towel for added umph. I'll have to save that treat for July.

Laura Ingalls Gunn said...

My doctor recently told me I am in perimenopause at the age of 42. When I asked how long it would last she said, "Oh, 10 to 15 years." If she wasn't a woman I would have killed her.
My hair has always been flat and limp. There truly is no hope for me now. I am off to pluck my 3 chin hair.

Tracy said...

My friend sent me a link to your post because she KNEW I would relate - and I do! I've been boasting about being in menopause with no symptoms. All of a sudden, the hot flashes arrived with a vengeance. I guess I'm not one of the lucky ones. Hang in there.

The Decorative Dreamer said...

So glad I went back and caught this one. I too am off and on the computer alot lately. Partly because I'm trying to stay busy and limit my time but I am sure part of it is because I too feel quite moody at times. I have been in menopause for several years now after having a partial hysterectomy. Kept my ovaries but they appear to not be working any longer and have decided to go on into menopause. My first clue was break out sweats. No major feeling of being hot but just sweating like crazy! Very embarassing. As time has gone on the sweat factor isn't as much of problem but I do now experience the hot flashes from time to time. It's very erratic for me. I often don't sleep well and have to take a break for from sleeping for several hours only to fall back asleep and wake up feeling way behind. My biggest issue is weight gain in the belly! I don't do any hormones but keep thinking I may want to try some type of natural hormone therapy just haven't done so as of yet. I would love to hear more from you on how you handle this hurdle! Hang in there...were all right there too! But you've totally explained alot with the misery does not love company thing. Now I know why I feel so deserted by so many of my old friends. LOL!

sell my car said...
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online counseling said...

Well, You are describing every woman's mid-life pain and secret struggles and making us laugh about it. And that truly is the best medicine for all that ails us.


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