Monday, April 4, 2011

The Big Black Thunk

Meet Lazarus.


He’s been a member of the family since we bought this house in the last century. He was so outdated then that the former owners left him behind as a parting gift. Since the refrigerator we were bringing to the party was also bedecked in 80s almond, we just left it in the garage and gave Lazarus squatter’s rights.

I didn’t mind so much. I figured he was old and his eventual death would usher in the era of a whole new kitchen.

Who knew that refrigerators were so resilient? Good grief, in the years that I’ve been waiting for him to kick the bucket, we’ve replaced the dishwasher and the range… twice in fact.

Lazarus just kept his cool.

Oh, he gave us a start or two over the past ten years. He would start whining and moaning, and the ice cubes would get a little runny. Mr. Scottish Thrift would call the appliance doctor, and he would be up and running again.

When we finally ripped down the wallpaper in my Big Fat 80s Kitchen, we knew it was time for Lazarus to go, and it looked as if he might do so voluntarily.

He’s nothing if not a Drama King, however. He’s been playing out his swan song since Christmas. I thought we were going to have to get the hook.

He would whine and groan and do a wonderful impression of a helicopter landing in the kitchen. We would head to Lowes to choose his replacement, and he would suddenly burst into life.

Yes, I know that normal people would have gone ahead and replaced him anyway…

But then… on the third day of green smoothie season, I opened his freezer door to discover brown mush where my frozen bananas ought to be and a glacier in the ice dispenser.

Eureka!

I pronounced him dead and headed to Lowes to order a shiny black replacement. I emptied the freezer but left him plugged in. After all, his upper room was performing as well as any zombie refrigerator can be expected to perform.

Saturday morning, the new recruit was scheduled to arrive. I got up early to do the deep clean.

I opened the freezer, and behold…


Good try, Lazarus, but you’re too late. I pulled the plug.

It was as I was giving him the post mortem wipe down that I discovered what actually killed Lazarus. Apparently, he was grossed out.

You wouldn't believe the artifacts I found when I started digging.

 I discovered them when I removed a drawer.

 I’m assuming from the faint drip marks behind it that
 this little fossil was once a member of the dairy family.


And by the size of it, this raisin went in as a grape.


And there’s more. (Am I the only one ever tempted to toss Tupperware rather than open the lid?) Unfortunately I have no evidence because Mr. Clean was tossing and washing faster than I could snap pictures. Oooh, that man...

He said there were some things that even bloggers should be ashamed to yak about .
I said"There's an APP for that"

And so we cleaned out Lazarus just in time for the new recruit to arrive and take up his post.

And well… I didn’t hate it.

It’s just so very shiny
and so very black...
And so very deep.

These new Energy Divas are a bit big in the backside, aren’t they?

I kept coming in and out the door to get used to the big black thunk sticking out in my kitchen. And then as I was taking this picture, I noticed something pretty cool.

 Do you see it?


Apparently, my refrigerator doors were made out of fun house mirrors. That’s the way it appears anyway because I look ten pounds thinner in my reflection. You ought to see the side view. (Ignore the hips. That’s just the door handle talking.)

So I’ve decided to embrace the Big Black Thunk and welcome it to Debbie Land.

Good-bye Lazarus…
Hellooo Honest Abe.

*****
By the way. I'm planning to paint that hood rather than get  a new one since the plan is to change out cabinets with a built in microwave. If that's a bad idea, someone please stop me.

26 comments:

Jen said...

This made me laugh all the way through. And I love the new name -- Honest Abe.

Sonja said...

You just made my day! Here I was blogging about avocados and healthy eating, and something much more important was happening at your house... Lazarus has stayed in the grave and a new creature has come forth! :)

Love it, looks great, and the black vent a hood should be super! Do it!

no spring chicken said...

I was laughing so much that the children began gathering, trying to figure out what was so funny! Lazarus was certainly a fitting name, and forgive me for being just a bit sad for him. But Honest Abe? Really? For the fuss you made about your discovery I'm going to venture a guess that a much more fitting name would be... Dreamer? Blessings, Debbie

At The Picket Fence said...

"Lazarus kept his cool"-you are soooo pun-y Debbie! :-) This post had me cracking up the whole way through and brought back memories of inheriting my parent's old refrigerator when we got married. I think they might have had it for at least 20 years before that and it just kept on running too. It also sounded like a helicopter landing at times and one night my new groom and I were certain someone was breaking into the house only to realize that it was just "old faithful" making all of that racket! I think Abe has definitely earned his keep already if he gives off such fabulous reflections! :-)
Vanessa

Chatty Crone said...

Debbie Land - that is cute. Gosh we have gone through a ton of iceboxes - except this last one - a side by side - I hate.

Now I love your new one - and it matches the stove. Looks like it can hold a lot too!

Now are you going to remodel the entire kitchen?

Love,
sandie

Janette@Janette's Sage said...

Coming here is for my health...I always get a good laugh and always learn more from your writing.
Well the problem with Lazarus living so long is that you had gentle girls...if you had had the five boys I have, who opened the door over and over again and tended to leaving it open, well old Lazarus would have given up years ago.

Your new one looks great!! Enjoy all the benefits of your new one and especially being such a slimming mirror...that is worth all the money it cost to put Lazarus out!!

Now I know what book title you life was last week...from my post...Enjoy!!!!

FrouFrouBritches said...

I am cracking up over your "artifacts" and "dairy fossils". HA! So funny! I am the chick that tosses out perfectly good containers filled with stuff I don't want to clean out. EEEWWW! It grosses me out!

I really like Abe! Very pretty. I would totally paint the ventahood thingee. That's what appliance paint is for, right?

Shug said...

My grandkids thought this was so funny and they immediately wanted to know the name of my refrigerator. I have one of those too...I would love for the thing to kick the bucket, but it just keeps on purring...
Love your new baby...
shug

Sharon Kirby said...

For one thing, I'm Scottish, too!! Both my grandmothers were born there. So, I get the "tightwad" thing - I just don't have it! I love spending.

Loved the yucky pictures - what was that white lumpy stuff anyway???
Yes, I have not only been tempted, I have succumbed to throwing away the Tupperware. That's because I couldn't figure out how to turn the mold into penicillin.

I'll miss old Lazarus - he had a good heart. But Honest Abe looks like a decent replacement. Gotta love an appliance that takes off pounds - (as long as you don't indulge too much on the stuff that's INSIDE that new fridge...)

xoxo

Dayle said...

Hilarious post, and I really needed a good laugh. Honest Abe looks stoic and sincere. I expect he will do his duty in an honorable way.

As for that Tupperware, I confess to having thrown out a fair number filled with icky stuff.

Ms.Daisy said...

Debbie,
You had me laughing all the way through...you are so funny! I really do like Honest Abe but I felt sorry for Lazarus at the end because he KNEW he was being replaced and he wanted to make nice. AWW! I'm sure this could be turned into a book and a movie...

~Jean
P.S. Thank you so much for your sweet comments on my Graceful Celebration Post. I so appreciate you.

gnee @ Singing With Birds said...

"Black is beautiful!" My guy and I had a good laugh about posting SOME of what you cleaned out of Lazarus.

When we moved into our new home, all of the appliances are stainless. I found a fridge on Craig's List that was 6 months old and sold for $2400 originally. This sweet couple had to move and sold it to me for $600. I wanted to blog about it but hated to gloat!

Thanks for another belly laugh!

Joan said...

Debbie - you have a gift for making people laugh. I have my own Lazarus who is the exact same age as the range - hope they don't decide to die at the same time. :)

Maybe I need to head to Lowes for my own Honest Abe. Lord knows I could use the slimming effect. :)

Pat said...

Lazarus is/was a perfect example of, "they don't make 'em like they used to"! We had a 1950's Fridgedaire in the garage for most of the 20 years we lived in the back pasture of the farm. It was already 30 years old when we moved in and 50 when it gave up the ghost.

Love your new fridge! Beautiful!

Angel said...

A new fridge AND fun house mirror to boot! You scored on that one! :)

Great post! I can always count on you to bring laughter to my day. Thank you so much for that (and for your sweet comment over at my place.)

And, btw, on the question about the new hood with microwave, I say go for it!

The Polka Dot Closet said...

That was so funny, I bet we all have some fossils in our frig, good luck with the new man of the house he is gorgeous!!

Carol

Sue said...

You are to funny Debbie, I laughed all the way through this post, Congratulations on the new fridge, it is gorgeous, Am I allowed to call Abe gorgeous? lol
I can do a side view with the glass doors on my oven, and I like the view, if only it were a true view.
As always such a joy to visit.Hugs,
Sue

The Quintessential Magpie said...

You have no idea how much I needed this laugh this morning, Debbie! I love it! And we had "Darth Vader" who was the biggest blackest fridge I've ever seen. He finally died, but he was like Lazzarus, until he made me sick with some warmish milk. ;-)

That's hysterical about the fun house mirror. Love it!

Did y'all get this horrible weather up in GA, or did it only hit your neighbors (meaning me) in FL? We had two trees in a neighbors' yard go down and land in ours. We have a mess, but PTL it missed the house by five feet. AND my sprinkler men came out today, fulling expecting things not to work in the back yard, but they said that the tree fell between the lines!!! They said it was a miracle, and I said it was GOD! This is the second pair of trees to topple, and the second time they fully expected the sprinklers to be wrecked. NOT!

So in between the big payments for cleanup and the need for new bushes, dirt (the tree dug trenches in the yard), etc., I am ever so thankful for His divine mercies. HE IS GOOD!

XO,

Sheila :-)

laughwithusblog said...

Oh my goodness! I loved your story. Good old Lazarus RIP! :)

laurie @ bargain hunting said...

Oh Debbie, I am laughing so hard, I have tears in running down my cheeks! Poor old Lazarus sure put up a good fight. Honest Abe looks great, and you look great reflected in Abe! laurie

Amy Kinser said...

Do you realize that I don't think there is anyone else who could talk about their refrigerator and hold may attention and make me want to keep reading but you. You can talk about a frig, Debbie, and it's funny. Girl, you got talent!!!

Kelli said...

Welcome black shiny fridge to Debbie Land! Having a new appliance always "curls my toes" as you would say! Enjoy the remodeling process and don't forget to take lots of pictures.

Crickit said...

Great post Debbie! Guess God couldn't bring your Lazarus back this time! LOL! I like the new shiny black thunk... and his new name! Recently, I cleaned out my fridge and found some of those little things lurking there also.

Have a great day! :)

Denise said...

I'm loving that Abe fellow at your house. Don't tell mine though, cause I want him to keep running for a LONG time. I guess it's sort of like complaining about how awful your hair is doing before you get it cut and BAM. The hair will do its thing again for a few days. The nerve of them!

You know, without a doubt, that I have stuff growing in my refrigerator. I'd hate to check out the back of the freezer. I regularly toss the plastic. (Only mine though. Not the ones from the Duchess. Really.) Do you think they make those containers so they will facilitate growth?

If our soldier were not leaving next week, I know he'd paint the hood for you. He said it was pretty easy. We could tackle it. What have we got to lose?!

Sharlotte said...

I just love reading your posts...you always crack me up!

What a great refrigerator story! I keep thinking mine will die too, it's a side-by-side and has parts that "can't" be fixed...said the pro-guy. But we're hanging on to it for now.

By the way, I really like your kitchen. Keep us posted on your changes!
Sharlotte

CAL said...

Well I went with the s/s and so far every day since it arrived I've had to wipe down the front. What a cruel joke these kitchen designers have played on us unsuspecting homemakers.

Good idea to go with the black, it really looks elegant.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails