The Big Black Thunk

Meet Lazarus.

He’s been a member of the family since we bought this house in the last century. He was so outdated then that the former owners left him behind as a parting gift. Since the refrigerator we were bringing to the party was also bedecked in 80s almond, we just left it in the garage and gave Lazarus squatter’s rights.

I didn’t mind so much. I figured he was old and his eventual death would usher in the era of a whole new kitchen.

Who knew that refrigerators were so resilient? Good grief, in the years that I’ve been waiting for him to kick the bucket, we’ve replaced the dishwasher and the range… twice in fact.

Lazarus just kept his cool.

Oh, he gave us a start or two over the past ten years. He would start whining and moaning, and the ice cubes would get a little runny. Mr. Scottish Thrift would call the appliance doctor, and he would be up and running again.

When we finally ripped down the wallpaper in my Big Fat 80s Kitchen, we knew it was time for Lazarus to go, and it looked as if he might do so voluntarily.

He’s nothing if not a Drama King, however. He’s been playing out his swan song since Christmas. I thought we were going to have to get the hook.

He would whine and groan and do a wonderful impression of a helicopter landing in the kitchen. We would head to Lowes to choose his replacement, and he would suddenly burst into life.

Yes, I know that normal people would have gone ahead and replaced him anyway…

But then… on the third day of green smoothie season, I opened his freezer door to discover brown mush where my frozen bananas ought to be and a glacier in the ice dispenser.

Eureka!

I pronounced him dead and headed to Lowes to order a shiny black replacement. I emptied the freezer but left him plugged in. After all, his upper room was performing as well as any zombie refrigerator can be expected to perform.

Saturday morning, the new recruit was scheduled to arrive. I got up early to do the deep clean.

I opened the freezer, and behold…

Good try, Lazarus, but you’re too late. I pulled the plug.

It was as I was giving him the post mortem wipe down that I discovered what actually killed Lazarus. Apparently, he was grossed out.

You wouldn't believe the artifacts I found when I started digging.

 I discovered them when I removed a drawer.

 I’m assuming from the faint drip marks behind it that
 this little fossil was once a member of the dairy family.

And by the size of it, this raisin went in as a grape.

And there’s more. (Am I the only one ever tempted to toss Tupperware rather than open the lid?) Unfortunately I have no evidence because Mr. Clean was tossing and washing faster than I could snap pictures. Oooh, that man...

He said there were some things that even bloggers should be ashamed to yak about .
I said, "There's an APP for that"…

And so we cleaned out Lazarus just in time for the new recruit to arrive and take up his post.

And well… I didn’t hate it.

It’s just so very shiny…

and so very black...
And so very deep.

These new Energy Divas are a bit big in the backside, aren’t they?

I kept coming in and out the door to get used to the big black thunk sticking out in my kitchen. And then as I was taking this picture, I noticed something pretty cool.

 Do you see it?

Apparently, my refrigerator doors were made out of fun house mirrors. That’s the way it appears anyway because I look ten pounds thinner in my reflection. You ought to see the side view. (Ignore the hips. That’s just the door handle talking.)

So I’ve decided to embrace the Big Black Thunk and welcome it to Debbie Land.

Good-bye Lazarus…

Hellooo Honest Abe.

*****
By the way. I'm planning to paint that hood rather than get  a new one since the plan is to change out cabinets with a built in microwave. If that's a bad idea, someone please stop me.