Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Incredible Traveling Innie

This morning, my next thing was cleaning out that incredible traveling innie that I call my pocket book. This was necessitated by an embarrassing incident over the weekend which I shall leave unyakked.

As I was cleaning out the purse, I decided to start looking for a new one. True, there is nothing aesthetically wrong with the one I’m using. I like it, and it’s still in good condition. But the thing is just not working for me.

When I purse shop, have a few basic rules. First, I have to be drawn to the shape. Then, I have to like the way it feels when I hold it in my hand. I clutch it and bounce it up and down for a few seconds… I’m not sure why. In addition to the way it looks and feels, the purse needs a zippered compartment in the middle and at least one small pocket elsewhere for the cell phone.

And a pretty color helps too.

I have decided, however, to add a new item to my list, and it is this: I will no longer purchase a pocketbook large enough to house my entire head.

This is a new standard is necessitated by the ginormous purses on the market today. These just do not work for me. Any woman who can not maintain a walk- in closet should not be allowed to carry a walk- in purse. It’s just that simple, and I am that woman.

Items not only have a habit of gravitating to my purse, they have a habit of lurking at the bottom when they do so. This makes it impossible to find my cell phone.

Yes, I know I said that a purse must have a handy little pocket for the cell phone. My purse has one…. And I am absolutely positive that I return the phone to that little pocket upon hanging up, but inevitably, that tenacious little leaper ends up down in no man’s land. And it is while he is lounging in no man's land that he decides to burst into song. This usually occurs when I’m driving…. Which requires the one handed whirly bird to fly to the passenger seat and attempt to dredge him up from the bottom… all the while keeping both eyes on the road and the other hand on the wheel.

Aside from the wallet and the eyeglass case and the buried treasure of loose coinage and the 2 highlighters, 4 pencils, and 4 pens, and the shiny red Kodak, the cell phone might be hiding among all kinds of purse discoveries. Like these.

The pharmacy. I carry so many bottles of medicine around that if someone bumps into me, I rattle. In addition to the various pill bottles, I have mystery medicine lurking at the bottom of my purse. This carelessness renders them absolutely impotent since I have no clue about their type, expiration, or dosage.

Peppermint Wrappers: I use these to keep a record of my church attendance.

Lipstick. Not an uncommon sight in a purse, but those three tubes are the exact same shade, Sweet Mocha. They were samples from one of Clinique’s famous gift events. And I don’t even like the shade.

 Crackers… apparently ground into crumbs by the grist mill created in the search for the singing cell phone.

 Two pairs of sunglasses. I misplaced my sunglasses on our last trip to visit The Practical One. I searched her room to no avail. Finally, either in a show of great compassion or an effort to muzzle the sunglass lamentation, she gave me her own extra pair. They made me look like a character from A Bug’s Life but I took them anyway. Then, I found the first pair. In the bottom of my purse.

A Light bulb. There’s actually is a very good reason for this one. I carried the dead bulb to the store for replacement purposes. That was the day before my simple gift of friendship luncheon, which was two weeks ago. Why is the bulb still in the purse?

A clothes pin. I do not know…. Money laundering?

Keys. Lots of keys. And it is a scientific fact that it is impossible to locate car keys in a purse using the grist mill method. The more you grind, the more they retreat into the purse crevices. The only successful method of key retrieval is to dump the entire contents of the purse onto the nearest surface. And this must be done while crying. It’s a rule.

And so I’ve cleaned out the incredible traveling innie, and I’m borrowing one from Miss Whimsy while I browse for a replacement. wait for a sale.

And now, I’m headed outside to clean out my car.

Which I call Ebenezer.

But the husband calls a purse on wheels.

Can anyone out there relate at all?


this blessed nest said...

just thought i would come by & say hello!
your vehicle doesn't look half as bad as ours does!
it is shameful!

hey, i debated in asking this, but after i have re-read your comment about an extra door for the playhouse you left - would you consider selling it?
or do you have a complete collection & a house?
obviously, i would just want the door to mimick the tooth fairy door.
let me know.
hope it is okay that i asked.


Jennie said...

My favorite is the peppermint wrapper. I really did laugh out loud! My mom has a similar collection. I made a list a few weeks ago before a similar purse cleaning exercise.

I went looking for a rubber band with which to pull up my hair, instead I found pencil shavings, used tissues, earbuds, restaurant crayons, six yet-to-be-sent Easter cards, a string of purple beads, a miniature Sally (from Cars), a clippy thing so that your kid won't lose their paci (which Sarah hasn't taken in 7 months), Ben's watch (with a dead battery), a gas bill from January, four AAA batteries, a happy meal toy, two packets of Propel flavoring, and a bottle of nail polish. (I referred back to Facebook so I wouldn't miss anything!)

In summary, thanks for making me feel normal. :)

Amy Kinser said...

So funny. I have tended to carry bigger purses in the past, but like you, things just fell downward and then I couldn't find them. I always seemed to want to buy a new purse with every season because most every purse I bought was a seasonal color. This last Christmas, I asked my husband for a Fossil leather messenger bag (found at an outlet store)that I could carry easily and would last me a long time because it was not faddish. (know what I mean) It just has a simple look, yet very nice and classic looking. I love being able to carry it across my chest for safe keeping and it doesn't kill my shoulder if I do have some extra things in it. This purse I will keep for a long time...thus another way to save money.

Leslie, the Home Maker said...

I won't yak about my purse or else you'll hate me. And unfollow me.
But, too funny, I also have a silver SUV- a Honda that the Lord provided us.
Her name is Esmeralda! My mom called all her cars that, and now I do, too.
Maybe the Lord was handing out silver SUVs there for awhile?
Now, I could do some serious yakking about the inside of my car--another story- yikes!!!
You know what, I think I'll blog about that tomorrow! Hmmm...thanks for the inspiration my sister!
You are funny with the mint wrappers, my mom kept gum wrappers for the same reason you do, LOL!
You are a blessing and a joy!

mary dee said...

ahahaha this is the funniest one you have ever written...

Lynn Richards said...

Well, as long as we are confessing...I have found my daughter's bra in my purse, a pair of sunglasses that I haven't the slightest idea as to who they belonged to, but they were cute so I kept them. I tend to keep church attendance marked by gum wrappers, but those are found in my Bible. Your car? Hah!!! I don't think I have seen our carpet that clean since we bought the car!!!! LOVE this post!!

Anonymous said...

Candace said....

Yep, sure can relate! Lost in the abyss of my purse was always the keys to the car. I have now solved that problem with a HUGE metal clip that keeps them secured to the purse handle.

With age I'm noticed there is a direction corrulation to purse size, the older you are the smaller the purse (at least for me).

Linda W said...

***This hit a note with me*** I, too, felt as though I had my closet on my shoulder, too, before resigning myself that smaller was the way to go. Can't count the number of times I thought I'd lost my wallet, returned to countless stores and asking, only to find it quietly hidden in the bottom of that bottomless pit. Decided that since I didn't need to have spikes in the blood pressure, I'd go smaller and I'm loving it. I mean, after all, do I really need to have a bottle of Tabasco sauce with me? Or better yet, three address books?

southerninspiration said...

OOooooooh, the dreaded bottom of the purse.....ewww....I'm with you. You are too funny, and I came over to say no ma'am, I don't charge for counseling! You get what you pay for it! :D
Do come back anytime however, and I'll be glad to help!

Beth said...

Oh Debbie I can so relate! I have spent the last few years trying to get organized and it hasn't happened! But I have a purse story to tell!
I remember one time when I had to use my purse as a weapon, makeup bag, hair spray, perfume and more in it! Some guy tried to grab me on Canal Street in New Orleans at lunch time and I plowed into him and hit him with my big black, heavy purse. He took of running screaming at me "what the heck have you got in that purse"! Sure was glad that I had this purse with me that day!
I learned to take mt cell phone out of my purse and put it in the cup holder when I get in the car. If I forget and it rings well it just rings till I get stopped and can locate it!
Now with the car-----I get a lecture everytime Mr. Perfect gets in my car but when you haul kids around it just gets messy! His truck stay's very clean but he seldom drives it! He juse hitches a ride with me and grumbles all the while I'm listening to Christian music and humming along! Ticks him off! LOL!

Anonymous said...

This is your funniest blog yet!! It never ceases to amaze me what we can manage to haul around. I think it started when the girls were young and we never knew what we might NEED!! We have discussed this large purse problem and I vote for SMALLER purse.

ButterYum said...

Haha... I actually have carried around a light bulb in my purse before. How else is a girl supposed to get the right one to replace the burned out one in the china cabinet or stove???


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